So! Sparkles

As it is quite easy to observe, the main word above is 'should'. Not 'want/ desire/ need', but the killing and sad 'should '. When it appears in my mind, I feel tension straight away, I feel not ready and unprepared. I have an impression that my life is not good enough, that I could do thousand things to make it better (I should do thousand things to make it better). 

To avoid procrastination and to have the life I want to have, I am trying to change the word 'should' to 'want'.

What do I want to do now?

It still cause a little bit of overwhelming feeling- there is so many things I can choose from, but that simple change make me feel that I am capable of leading my own life, that my choices are mine and they are right.

So for the next month I will be practicing the skill of 'wanting to do now'. I am trying to build a habit of asking myself 'what do I want to do now?'. And it is not about doing only things that make me feel pleasure. It is also about things that make me be the person I want to be, to do the things that direct me into direction of the life I want to have.

So what do I want to do now? Maybe go out of the bed and do some yoga? :)

W głowie magluje się myśl, że trzeba skupiać się na priorytetach, mnóstwo szczytnych idei krzyczy swoją fajnością obiecując zmianę życia na lepsze...

I ciężko jest powiedziec cokolwiek. Oprócz tego, że najlepiej jest teraz. I że lepiej wyjść na dwór i się zmoczyć niż siedzieć i sprawdzać, czy będzie padał deszcz. Na telefonie.

Życie 'z doświadczeniami' ubogaca. Życie pełne nowych rzeczy sprawia, że chcę jeszcze więcej. 

Jest dobrze, bo czuję, że rosnę. Jest dobrze, bo widzę, jak dużo we mnie się zmienia. I jest dobrze, bo lubię być sobą :)

I made the mistake at work- I used to work only, instead of working and spreading the word (many words) about the job I do. I used to focus on things that are important for the end users. And, actually, this is the one part. The second, equally important (or maybe even more important- still it is so hard to believe!) is telling people about my work. Showing, putting on cc... I have some problems with prioritizing my tasks. It should work the way: task & call to manager (1st, 2nd and 3rd)... Telling about all obstacles,plans for future, showing how much I do... Every small thing I do..

But it is not the thing I want to write today about. I want to show the analogy. The situation at my work I described is a wery good analogy to living a life and the reflection about it.

I need to work and then reflect it somehow, show on my managers objectives, goals, plans. And it is the same with life and all things that go around. There is so many of them, piles of things I do, feel, experience... And it is a big mistake, when all those things don't reflect on my life. Because the truth is, they are. Everything I do, I think, changes something, makes influence. And it is a good thing to understand the dependencies. Sometimes it is good to be spontaneous and just go, without thinking too much, it teaches you to be good with uncertainty.

But it is also very good, I would even say mandatory, to think about all those actions, activities, things that happen in order to understand their influence on my life. Without that it is like trying to make the ball bigger in all possible directions (Oliver Emberton;)) and wasting too much energy, or time. Don't get me wrong- obviously it is not necessary to make your life shaped and planned completely. It is just good to understand the influence of what happen on my life. It is good to think about things that make me smile, feel important, feel satisfied, feel independent, feel crazy, feel loved, feel happy. As well as to know what things cut my wings, make me feel like I am the worst, ... It is a way to discover toxic relationships and just activities I don't like so much. And find those that make my life the best and the most suitable for me.

My life is colorful and mine. Time for rest, effort, smiles... Still not enough for self- reflection.

Thinking about making this blog a space, where I can put some memories. I have the urge to put things I experience on paper, like my memories would disappear if not written somewhere. Sometimes I feel like my life is not enough... That I do not enough interesting things, read not enough books, watch not enough movies, have not enough friends...

When I see my calendar, talk with my friends I think I don't need more. My life is good, my life is enough. But it is good to take care of memories :)

Last week was really hard for my self esteem and confidence. The position I was waiting for was given to another person. That was so unfair, so hard to understand. Especially because the feedback I received from my manager was mostly boolshit... And he lied. Not for the first time... I should be accustomed to the idea of lying people in corporations... But it is a little too much for me. I have sometimes too high expectations to people that are around myself.

My come back to Pilates, and not only Pilates, but also some cardio workout was what I need :) it is incredible to feel I am capable of doing more and more with my body, that it is flexible and healthy.

Regarding the health, it is getting better and better. My amazing green smoothies in mornings, cauliflower pizza, asparagus... And some sins- a lot of chocolate and a little bit of gluten in a form of Magda's roll. Was delicious and with powidl (Wikipedia shows that world exists).

In the theatre: Biała bluzka with amazing Krystyna Janda. This extraordinary actress makes every performance a piece of art, a piece of sophisticated story... It was a pleasure to sit in the audience.

I come back a little to watch tv serials. My last discovery is The Mindy Project, in which I fall in love. Completely! What I loved was the confidence the main character has, the ability to not be afraid of who she is even though definitely she isn't perfect, the skill to follow the dreams and her heart even when everything around is against it...

I have watched The King's Speech and it is one of the best movies I seen recently. I like the British style- kind of boring, but with the additional spice- hard to explain how it tastes, but definitely when taken away, you would miss it. It reminds me about Downton Abbey I have watched when I was sick some time ago... Again, kind of boring... But the precision characters were created with, attention to details make it an interesting piece of art. The parts I liked especially are when new devices and unusual ways of thinking are introduced to the usual family with traditions and stable opinion on every subject.

The boy in striped pajamas was the book I read when I was the first time in London. I watched the movie and It is really worth watching. Sad, painful but worthy.

I had a meeting with my team. I love noticing potential in young people. I strive to see the potential. It is like the best thing ever. Like you see some sparkles, just a little bit of shine, and then, after some time, it is like sun, full of energy, happiness and pride.

I went to see my doctor today morning and IT IS GONE :D cannot be less than happy!!

The meeting with Kuba and Karolina, grill at Agata's, grill by the Wisla and people who split up. An the try to fly the kite. Unsuccessful, I must add.

But the tickets bought to Scotland, and the plan almost made. The expectations that are not too much, just the right amount. Red cloves. 

The application for learning Spanish I use every day! First meeting with Ben and the hope to improve my English. Long way to go! Giving the ticket for Vujcic away and the bike that was bought. 

It is good.